Cracker Barrel Manifesto



DISCLAIMER.

Greetings, people of the Internet:

 

The following two documents, Documents A and B are both formerly classified. Both documents were obtained from the estate of the revered, late pot roast monger, Rufus Culligan Sterling Cracker, the eighth — the founder and long-sole-owner of the dining chain mega-giant, Cracker Barrel Old Country Store, incorporated.

 

The contents in these two documents pertains to a secret meeting, which occurred on May 22nd, 1997. The events which would unfold from this historic meeting forever changed the corporate mission of not only Cracker Barrel, but of all American candy stores and American general stores both alike. The prevailing influence of this top secret meeting — the very catalyst of the infamous Cracker Barrel Manifesto — the importance of these two documents must not be understated. These matters, simply put, are socio-economico-global-political — and are so on an extraordinary scale.

 

Thanks to the Liberty for All Bill, passed on December 16, 2014 — ushered with the full support of US President, Barack Obama, these two documents, which for more than a decade were sealed away inside the private gun safe in the master bedroom of the Cracker Estate — these two documents, Documents A and B, are both finally at last accessible to the public for viewing and inspection by all citizens of the free world.


“We pass this bill for the betterment of mankind”

– Barack Obama, December 16, 2014



DOCUMENT A.

Cracker Barrel Manifesto

Official Roster, Candied Political Parties, Vision no. 17 (Spring,1997)

Dearest esteemed Highlords, of the Cracker Barrel gift shops in states 7, 13, 19-24, and 36:

 

As you already know, Cracker Barrel Labs has been hard at work in diligent study on political confections for the past 16 months. In this time, our experts have labored much in the pursuit of this knowledge — we have all sacrificed something: Holidays, family time, Cracker Rewards®, etc.. 16 months can seem like a long time, and Cracker Rewards®, as all of us know, once they are gone, they never redeem. Alas. But, as Chancellor always says, “The reward in Cracker Reward® is not the reward itself, nay, the Reward in Cracker Reward® is but merely the smile you paint on the mug of your fellow Cracker.” Well, may I say today, esteemed Highlords, may I say today we paint our mugs? Yes. Today we paint out our mugs.

 

As determined by our dedicated team of scientists and researchers at Cracker Barrel Labs, Chancellor’s vision, Vision no. 17, is at last in full gear, ready to go, to test its grit against the asphalts of this great nation: three full platoons of Cracker Barrel drivers are now on the roads as you read this — Vision no. 17, is well on its way — you can expect your own’s arrival by sunrise – Chancellor has guaranteed this. As Chancellor always says, “Sometimes, it’s not the Crackers inside the barrel, but the Crackers outside the barrel, behind the barrel, who do that itsy-bitsy little splinter of work that makes all the difference for everyone!”

 

So, with this, my dearest esteemed Highlords, of the Cracker Barrel gift shops in states 7, 13, 19-24, and 36, I bid you adieu, and good luck to us all. May our futures all be rich — chock full of Cracker Rewards®, for ourselves, our families, and our friends — and as for our enemies, may they falter, to crumble beneath the full weights of our barrels. Good luck, and Godspeed. Most sincerely, your ever-loving Vice Chancellor, Harpus Flannigan Flats Cracker, the third. And now, I send you off with a message from your Chancellor:

 

Good day, my Crackers! Good day indeed! Wait–nay–GREAT day, my crackers — a great day to be a Cracker indeed! You know, when I first told my Harpus, that I could politically invigorate our candy stores, you what Harpus said to me? He said, “Rufus, you’re at it again, I see the fire in your eyes.” Ha, Ha! Hyyeau! Harpus was right! The children are our future! Everything, my Crackers, everything that you see in these plans here before you has proven accurate — to the T! Scientists!! My crackers!! Scientists — some of the very brightest Crackers we have in the barrel — for 16 months they labored! Hyyeau! Believe in it, my Crackers! We implement the paradigm first thing next morning. Now, two outcomes — two long-term projection model possibilities may become of this…

 

As anyone with a good eye would know, the 90’s has been a strange decade in candy. The candies that these kids got today are downright loony! Never had I any of these newfangled doo-dads when I was a pup! Nay! All I had was my stick and my hoop! Right Harpus? I mean, Harpus — am I right, or am I right? “Yes!” Kids today have all these gooy goos, and gummy gums — liquidy doodi-bops, and hoobidy-habidys — it defines the decade! Yes! It does, my crackers. It’s the green slime or, the ooze, of moral decay if at worst — or, perhaps, if at best, it’s the inventive spirit of a brave new world. Yes, my crackers. It’s all very bold–

 

Which is precisely why it is of the most importance that we capitalize on this activity! We’re Cracker Barrel! Goddamnit! And I’m Rufus Culligan Sterling Cracker, the eighth, and I’ll be damned if I have nothing to do with this world gone mad once I’m dead — No siree — No subumba, no subumba. Hyyeau!

 

Now, my crackers — my dear, dear sweet crackers — I wish that I could — if only I could, I would, let you in on some of the more detailing of details behind this, Vision no. 17 of ours, but, well, unfortunately, much if not most and, eventually, all of this vision must remain classified. And you know, my crackers — my dear, dear sweet crackers — that I’d tell all you good, sweet people every damn last detail — if only I could. But I can’t! Hyyeau!

 

“Double the crackers, double the fun!”

– Francis Pattywack Galton Cracker, the second, September 8th, 1863



DOCUMENT B.

Vision no. 17

Cracker Barrel, Spring, 1997

Party Lines: Conservatives, Liberals, Wonkatarians, Popsulists, Hubba Bubba Party, Punk Goose Party, Anarchist Shop, Neo-Centrists

 

I. Classic Dichomatic Division; two party system; potential run max: 3-4, 8-9 yrs.

CONSERVATIVE PARTY
(Grand Old Nehi)

a. Candy Cigarettes
b. Pez
c. Necco Wafers
d. America’s Original Bubble Gum
e. Wax Bottles

Key Acquisitions:
a-1. Abba-Zaba
b-1. Charleston Chew

LIBERAL PARTY

a. Mike and Ike
b. Good & Plenty
c. Now and Later
d. Bazooka Bubble Gum
e. Lemon Heads

Key Acquisitions:
a-1. Ferrara Pan Boston Baked Bean
b-1. Hot Tamales

II. Reactionary Splitting; reaction against dichotomic division; four parties, two party system; potential run max: 12-14, to any number of years.

WONKATARIANS

a. Wonka Nerds
b. Wonka Spree
c. Wonka Laffy Taffy
d. Wonka Bottle Caps
e. Wonka Everlasting Gobstoppers
f. Wonka Pixy Stix

Key Victories:
a-1. Fun Dip
a-2. Shock Tarts (Shockers)
a-3. SweeTarts

POPSULISTS

a. Push Pop
b. Baby Bottle Pop
c. Ring Pop
d. Blow Pop
e. Lollipop Paint Shop

III. Bubble Gum Wars; result of years after reaction against dichotomic division; four parties, perpetual warring, fascist; potential run max: indeterminable

HUBBA BUBBA PARTY

a. Hubba Bubba
b. Hubba Bubba Bubble Jug
c. Hubba Bubba Bubble Tape
d. Hubba Bubba Squeeze-Pop

Key Victories:
a-1. Ouch! (Band-Aid Bubble Gum)
a-2. Bubble Beeper

THE BUBBLE YUM PARTY
(The Punk Goose Party)

a. Bubble Yum

Key Alliances:
a-1. Big League Chew
a-2. Topps Juice Gum
a-3. Bubble Lock
a-4. Fruit Stripe Bubble Gum
a-5. Tiny Size Chiclets

IV. Apocalypse/ post-apocalypse; no parties; bands; wars; extremists; potential run max: indeterminable

ANARCHIST SHOP
(Adrenaline Alliance)

a. Pop Rocks
b. War Heads

NEO-CENTRISTS

a. Sound Bites



Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s