Twenty-Four Bad, Bad Motherfuckers (Twenty-Four Crocodilians)

Note: This is one of my first blog posts and it almost never was. I never posted it. It’s been unpublished for years. All I did was click publish. Enjoy the dumbassity of this informative useful listicle.


Boy, you back again I see. Boy, I gotta ask you though, really, I mean, are you Stupid? I thought you done learnt your lesson after your ASS GOT WHOOPED by the great, great Chameleon Kings, the bad, bad motherfuckers that they is…

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Straight out of ZooBooks, maufucker, that’s how I first learned about these maufuckers, aight.

And yet, yet now, now you want to take on the CROCODILIANS. Boy, goddamnit, man. These be the nastiest of the nastiest of the nastiest, McNastiest, that’s what they is… Goddamn, boy, I mean, damn…really.. twenty-four species we talking here. Goddamn!

Boy, YEAH, yeah, I mean…you really must truly be stupid, thinking ‘bout taking on the legendary Kingdom, of the majestic Grand Order of CROCODILIA… I mean, come on, now Goddamnit, boy, you’re outside your mind. Some these Motherfuckers, man, can literally eat you! Don’t you know that, boy? Goddamnit, boy, errbody know that. You ever seen a chameleon eat somebody? Hell no, but they still kicked your ass, did they not? That’s right. A jackson’s chameleon, had beat yo ass down just in warming his ass up, stretching his forelimbs and shit. Shit, man, you got beat real bad. I know you still remember going down, falling off his tree like you did. Embarrassing as that is, but whatevs…different ball game that you in right now, that’s for sure.

Uh, no, boy, crocodilians don’t change color, boy. No. What you thinking? These motherfuckers ain’t no chameleons you know! Goddamnit, boy! These motherfuckers is monsters. Goddamnit! Living dinosaurs, man. You better recognize quick what you dealing with; twice the crowns, twice the thrones, much more the size, and incomparably meaner, these motherfuckers right here, man, are straight up nasty!

And now you asked for it, goddamnit. Throne one, crown one, bitch, let’s do this. Nasty! Nasty! Nasty! crikey, maufucker, be ready for it.


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The Crowns of Alligator, to the Thrones of Alligatoridae
American Alligator, (A. mississippiensis)

This motherfucker, this motherfucker right here aight, is just one of the just only two alligator kings that there is, you bitch. Goddamnit, this motherfucker here, is so patriotic, that he only lives only in the ‘Nited States of ‘Merica. Yeah, man,  call his ass Uncle Sam, aight, because his ass bleeds true red, white, and blue, Goddamnit!

merican gator
Real majestic-ass maufucker in the water, ya heard. That be some bald-ass eagle type shit, na’ mean?

Like his country, man, he does it big. He’s a big motherfucker. And as black as the swampy waters in which he so often lives, the ‘merican alligator, is also known to grow sizes that amass over fifteen-feet in confirmed, record lengths. And, according to legends from way, way back in the day, the motherfucker was then even bigger! That’s right, ya heard me right, OK. Hunters yo, from way back when na’ mean, and Native Americans yo as well, have both claimed vehemently that the ‘merican gator could then grow sizes as large as nineteen, or even twenty fucking feet fucking long. Yeah yo. That’s right, that’s what they all said, Goddamnit.

Wait, hold up yo. Boy! What’s your problem now, that you don’t believe me? Goddamnit well, well why the fuck not, boy? Boy, again, hate to ask, but are you stupid? Boy, don’t you know, that alligators and all reptiles for that matter, continue to grow until the day that they die? Yeah, boy, come on now, Goddamnit, everybody knows that! And moreover, a gator habitat, and they environment also, and therefore they feedings’ and prey, is all absolutely pivotal in the growth and size potential of any given gator! Yeah, I betch yo ass didn’t even think to realize that shit. Think it through, boy. Goddamnit.

Damn boy, and yo, before Uncle Sam come to Florida, man, shit, the motherfuckers had everything yo. Yeah, that’s right boy, Uncle Sam, man, had fucked all they shit up! The ‘merican gator almost done went extinct because of Uncle Sam, man, no lie; the king right here was on the VERGE yo, of being hunted down to nothing, almost down to a thing that never was, but, like a true king, the ‘merican gator bounced back with incredible vigor, and so much so, that today, Sams in Florida, Georgia, the Carolina’s, Louisiana, Alabama, Mississippi, Texas, and parts of both Oklahoma and Arkansas, and occasionally, even the borders of Tennessee yo, now hunt these Kings in-season and once again, and all because that populations have leaped back to be so high that the maufuckers safely and responsibly actually can. Ya na’ mean?

The ‘merican gator yo, is one truely bad, bad motherfucking crocodilian King. Nasty as all fucking hell, yo. And, as the true patriot that I always am, the ‘merican gator is my all-time favorite fucking animal on the whole fucking Goddamn planet. Goddamnit.

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Some maufuckers keep the maufuckers as pets… like NFL defensive tackle Darnell Docket do, for example. Gator ate the guard dog, na’mean.
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Man, look at that shit. Dressin’ they ass up like they santa clause and shit… Shit.

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The Crowns of Alligator, to the Thrones of Alligatoridae
Chinese Alligator, (A. sinensis)

Somewhat rare and, relatively pretty small for sure, the Chinese Alligator is the second of the only just two alligator kings. Critically endangered, this little king, the mighty but small China gator king, lives natively only in a small region of eastern China, a region that which at present is tragically 90% less than what was during the king’s peek. Goddamn shame.

With adults attaining lengths of usually only just five feet long, and weighing rarely if ever just one hundred pounds, a full-grown Chinese gator is typically smaller than the average teenage human. Yeah. But still, don’t you ever dare count him short! BITCH! Goddamn. He’s a king, motherfucker! He’s a king!

chinese_alligator
… the royal maufucker that he is.

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The Crowns of Caiman, to the Throne of Alligatoridae
Black Caiman, (M. niger)

See, the thing about caimans is, well, usually, they be pretty small, right, but one big exception though, does exist in that of the mighty, mighty black caiman, aight.

With the males yo, regularly growing to lengths of up to fourteen feet, man, black caimans, on average, are oftentimes even larger than their close relative, the American alligator, which, although is as well capable of growing that large, more often than not, they’s tops out at only about ten feet. Aight. But for the black caiman however, fourteen feet is a common length, at least, for males that is. Female black caimans generally max at considerably smaller sizes, as do females of the ‘merican Alligator for that matter.

Being that it’s the largest predator in the Amazon Ecosystem, the black Caiman is an apex predator, and when grown face virtually no threat of predation; man aside, there is truly no other animal that dare attack grown black caimans–not anacondas, not jaguars, not anything. Like its close relative, the ‘merican gator, the black caiman is the king of its domain and that argument is one that needs no extra padding. Oh, and, B-T-DUBBS, You’re still a bitch.

black caiman
Yeah, he’s a big maufucker.

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The Crowns of Caiman, to the Thrones of Alligatoridae
Spectacled Caiman, (C. crocodilus)

Now, this mauwfucker here, is much smaller than the black caiman, aight, and though he def indeed is a true king, he’s kind of a small king. Aight. Feel me. Not Chinese gator small king though, but still, def yo a pretty small king. He’s also popular (relatively) in the pet trade, actually, and, as far as crocodilians as pets goes, the motherfucker is actually somewhat manageable. Typically they grows to only about three meters maximum and rarely any bit larger although sometimes it do happen.

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Dude’s pet yo, aight… Don’t get it twisted! X, baby.

But before I say anything else yo, I gotta clear some shit up, man, ‘bout some shit that I don’t like yo…namely ’bout anacondas. Aight. Now, errbody seen those pictures of those anacondas eating all those caimans ‘aight, and don’t get me wrong yo, I do like anacondas, also, but man, I mean, Goddamnit! Boy, for real, if you think, even for one stupid second, that anacondas are nastier than crocodilians be, well, might as well just go fuck yourself ‘cause you’re fucking wrong. OK, spectacled caiman yo is a little fucking king! To the anaconda, man, it’s not even fair. Ok. And that’s what those anacondas is eating, aight, and the same goes for all those pictures of those jaguars, man. I mean, would you really think that either one of those motherfuckers would even think to try to hunt for ADULT black caimans? BOY, I already told your ass that they don’t! OK? God Damnit!

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You see this right here, boy. This be a big ‘merican gator showing a big Burmese python who’s boss. Aight? just keep it relative yo, keep it cool, aight. Na’ mean…
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…and dis right here… well, this be a shameless, spineless, balls-less, schmuck of a burm eating a sweet, innocent, wee lil’ baby ‘merican gator. Yeah, how you like that propaganda, gator hater? How’s that shit taste to you, yo, UH.

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The Crowns of Caiman, to the Thrones of Alligatoridae
Yacare Caiman, (C. yacare)

This king right here, is pretty much a lot like the king that I just spoke of, the spectacled caiman, and even looks as much the same but, grows just a little bit smaller and also, is a little bit more rare so, really not seen much in the pet trade, aight. And also yo, just as the spectacled caiman be, yo, yacare caimans, in the wild they must deal with a couple-to-few predators from time-to-time yo, but, all in all, the yacare caimans be fairly well equipped predators themselves, you know, aight, and they’s reins up high, high up on the food chain, just as well…ya bitch.

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Mean ass snarl and shit. Shit, man… just look at that shit… yo’ bitch ass don’t ever want to get bit by that shit. No sir you don’t.

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The Crowns of Caiman, to the Thrones of Alligatoridae
Cuvier’s Dwarf Caiman, (P. palpebrosus)

This king right hurr is quite popular in the pet trade (noticing a trend with the caimans?), aight, for being a crocodilian, that is. And the most drawing of reasons for this being is that the Cuvier’s dwarf caiman, and as its name should imply, is pretty little, OK, and is in fact, the smallest species of crocodilian they is in existence. OK?

With males growing to only 1.5 meters long, and females growing to only 1.2 meters long, Cuvier’s are certainly manageable but, certainly still crocodilians, as well, and so as of course, DON’T EVER COUNT HIM SHORT, BOY! What you think? That you just gone manhandle a Cuvier’s just because he’s a dwarf? Boy! Are you stupid? Goddamnit, he will bite you, I promise. God Damnit.

Because of their small and manageable size, Cuvier’s dwarf caimans often make as a popular choice among professional keepers for keeps in artificial, simulated environments such as bio-domes, zoos of course, and sometimes in botanical gardens as well.

cuvier's
Dwarf-like maufucker…. look at that neonatal-ish shit he got going on… with the big head and shit. He dope as shit, yo.

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The Crowns of Caiman, to the Thrones of Alligatoridae
Schneider’s Dwarf Caiman, (P. trigonatus)

Another King, ‘nother dwarf, ‘nother caiman, ‘notha’ crown, you bitch…

Yeah, pretty much, they’s just as little as be the Cuvier’s dwarf caiman, but likes, just a tad bit bigger yo…usually they’s maxes out at a little over two meters, OK, and the world record is notched at only 2.6 meters. So, yeah, little-ass king. Still a king though. A king is a king is a king is a king. Na’ mean.

Oh and, also worth noting: they’s not as common as Cuvier’s caimans be, but they’s all every bit as just as cool as they is.

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Yeah, he a king, and he cool.

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The Crowns of Caiman, to the Thrones of Alligatoridae
Broad-Snouted Caiman, (C. latirostris)

Aye yo! Congratulations, you bitch! You survived all the way through to the final crown to the thrones of Alligatoridae: that of the majestic and royal, and, magnanimous yo, Broad-snouted caiman! Yeah yo, get ‘m yo, only two more kingdoms to go, you fool!

But first my dude, before you do this or, well, try, that is, here are a just few quick facts about this one particularly bad, bad, bad, and yet, oddly forgiving, free-bee-throwing, easy-pass-dropping motherfucker right here…Okay….

First and foremost mang, the common name yo, is not some kind of coincidence, mauwfucker, Goddamnit. Dis mauwfucker gots a broad-ass snout, OK, so deal with it, Goddamnit. Two, the motherfucker grows up to ten feets long yo, and three, the motherfucker is letting you off easy, alright. Yeah, that’s right, you ain’t worth his time, aight, Goddamnit, he done told me this himself, you know, Goddamnit! So, well, on to the next kings you go! Hurry, G, go, Goddamnit, go! Damn… lucky ass maufucker…

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Man, I mean really do, just look at that biggass fucking head that he got. Damn, yo.

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The Crowns of Crocodile, to the Thrones of Crocodylidae
American Crocodile, (C. acutus)

Bam! Mauwfucker! Right off the bat, it’s another patriot king, and this time it’s a goddamn crocodile, Goddamnit. Damn boy is you fucked now, man. Damn.

That’s right, yeah that’s right, a patriot king! He’s a patriot, Goddamnit! But you best not ever call him ‘merican yo, ’cause, well, unfortunately, we don’t actually own him, na’ mean. Goddamnit, his ass is all over the goddamn western hemisphere, na’ mean, all easts and wests and north and south of all the goddamn thing so, yeah, call him American as he deserves to be called, Goddamnit. The only spots in ‘merica, where you’ll actually ever find his ass is in southern Florida, and really, not too many of the maufucker be down there anyway; his true range of domain be really more Caribbean, and also more Mexican, and as well as more Central and South American, than any bits at all ‘merican, so, yeah, call his ass as how is accurate, Goddamnit!

merican croc
Nasty king right here, na’ mean…

Anyway though, he’s a big motherfucker, man, just as big as the ‘merican gator be aight. And yo, as the rule of thumb goes yo, as gangster codes says too yo, crocodiles yo, pose as a much greater threat to us than alligators do, OK, as that because crocodiles yo, are generally far more aggressive than alligators be, na’ mean. So, my dude, look the fuck out, G. Don’t be fooled yo, by the lack of attacks from crocodiles in ‘merica, OK, because, as of course, there really are not too many crocodiles in ‘merica to start with you know, and also, man, elsewhere within this particular king’s range, man, attacks on humans, man, truly are a somewhat common occurrence…they just not always be documented though because the governments be backwater, na’ mean… yeah, dude, so look the fuck out, man, Goddamnit.

^ encouraging video, B, it be from Mexico, for real yo…


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The Crowns of Crocodile, to the Thrones of Crocodylidae

Orinoco Crocodile, (C. intermedius)

A medium sized crocodile, this king right here be, but he still be badder than shit, na’ mean, and you still a bitch, na’ mean…

Known for his very slender snout, a trait that’s very much unlike anything found in members of Alligatoridae, the Orinoco crocodile, in this very sense may serve as paragon in ways for distinguishing crocs from gators quite generally. OK. And as with most crocodiles, the Orinoco crococidle is fairly tolerant of salinity, OK, and this one right here yo, actually does regularly inhabit brackish waters, mang, particularly in mangrove swamps and mangrove marshes, aight. He be highly aquatic yo, even by crocodilian standards, na’ mean, and, although rarely do he ever grow more than 2.5 meters yo, he is of course still one very bad, mean, unforgiving crocodile king. Don’t cross ever his ass, aight, you’ll regret it yo. Trust me. Don’t do it! Goddamnit!

Orinoco_Crocodile_MG_7193
look at dat shit…

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The Crowns of Crocodile, to the Thrones of Crocodylidae
Cuban Crocodile, (C. rhombifer)

And yet, you crossed him, what the fuck was you thinking? Goddamnit, you’re a dummy, you really are, and now, you’re really fucking fucked, man, now you gots to tangle with a Cuban. Goddamnit. Yeahp, you’re fucked.

According to many experts on this particular matter, man, Cubans is like, the Einsteins of crocodilians, man, and, they the only crocodilian that’s known to exhibit true, pack-like interactions that partakes in groups when they be hunting… So, yeah, man, you’re pretty much like fucked twice as hard now because, well, guess what, they also pretty fucking big, and fast, and agile as well. They not by any means be the biggest, man, and they also not necessarily be the meanest, but, they perhaps might be the smartest…and that should count at least for much. So. yeah, you’re kind of fucked… Should have thrown in the towel at Orinoco, yo, but you’s a dummy, dude, and now, you’s too past fucked to continue… damn, I mean, probably….

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Crikey, maufucker, that maufucker can jump. Crikey.

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The Crowns of Crocodile, to the Thrones of Crocodylidae
Morelet’s Crocodile, (C. moreletii)

Goddamnit! You lucky-ass, punk-ass, candy-ass little bitch, how in the fuck of all fucks did you get past the goddamn Kings of Cuba, Goddamnit. Goddamnit, Goddamnit, Goddamnit.

Goddamnit.

Well, in any case, dude, there’s still one more crocodile king, yo, for the western hemisphere, that is, and then, after that you’re off to the giants out east. And this one here, man, the dude that;s in your way to there, yo, I know that you can handle him, man… he’s just a little guy, dude, and he’s pretty pop in the pet trade, too, so, like, don’t sweat him too much yo… but he will bite you, though, and he’ll bite you, like, ten times out of ten, man, and it will fucking hurt like all hell and will likely require stitches. How fun.

moreletscrocodile
mouth all open and shit, ready to bite your punk-ass down to the bone…and swallow your shitass down with one biggass gulp, Goddamnit… Even if he is too small to eat you, who gives a shit, he can do it! After all, that chameleon had beat your ass, right, so, well, I’m sure he can beat yo ass too.

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The Crowns of Crocodile, to the Thrones of Crocodylidae
Nile Crocodile, (C. niloticus)

Congratulations, ya bish! You’ve made it to Africa! So, of course, well, now you are really, really, seriously fucked like, I mean, you’re major league fucked, son, should’a stayed in the minors, na’ mean. Nile Crocodile’s name says everything that I’d need to say just in that name alone and yet, I’ll say all of it anyway…

Here’s what is… You’re so fucked, right, that I won’t even call you a bitch, OK,  because it’s not even like adding insult to injury, right, it’s really more like spitting on your coffin, OK, because that’s what you’ll fucking be inside of if any of your remains are even recovered, that is, aight. Nile crocs, man, are mean as all hell, man, and they will actively hunt for you as a part of their normal prey my dude; you’re on the menu, G, and they think that you taste delicious. Straight up, they love yo ass.

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Look at those teeth, boy, goddamn.

Niles are enormous, G, and regularly, they do measure when grown at up to sixteen feet for males, and no too much smaller for females, actually, either. Not very sexually dimorphic, na’ mean, at least not for crocs, that is, understand? And yo, Nile crocs, man, are more than abundant yo, so many nile crocs there be, and in Africa, man, they live in all sorts of places, man, even on parts of Madagascar, dude. Seriously, this king right here, man, is as powerful as they come yo, and, when grown, they is perfectly able to take down, kill, and consume, giant wildebeests, giraffes, zebras, even leopards yo and lions too if they must, and so yeah, if a Nile croc wants to eat you, yo, and you be within its reach, dude, then quite simply, you’re fucked, end of story. Unless, that is, you happen to be a fucking grown elephant, that is, or a Goddamn hippopotamus, maybe, or a full-grown bathing rhinoceros, too, then in any of those three cases, yo, yo ass would be more than just fine, but unfortunately, you not any of those behemoths, player, you’re a  human, dude, and so, as of course, you’re definitely fucked, man. Stay the fuck away from the fucking water when you in Africa. Be careful, man, na’ mean.

Oh, and also, like, as if you’d needed any further motivation to abstain from African waterways, man, here’s a cheerful legend, about a notorious man-eating Nile crocodile that’s still at large today, to help bolster ya courage, na’ mean… aight, yo, his name, dude, his name is Gustave, right. Now, his exact size though remains disputed, OK, but many have claimed though, that he’s like, more than like, twenty feet long, yo, so yeah… and the best part though, dude, is that good old fucking Gustave right, is credited for the consumption of like more than three hundred human victims, right… so…yeah, how adorable, right? Stay away from Gustave.

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Just remember yo, that biggass maufucker right there yo, he not even as big as Gustave… yeah yo, try to keep that scary-ass goodness in mind while you hunt for Gustave, maufucker, he gone murder your ass.

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The Crowns of Crocodile, of the Kingdom of Crocodylidae
African Dwarf Crocodile, (O. tetraspis)

Ok, dude, you’s already be dead, but like, let’s just pretend things for a bit, OK?

Let’s just pretend, yo, for like one moment, that Gustave didn’t in fact eat your ass (and we both do know that Gustave did in fact eat your ass, aight; you’ve already lost, yo,  it’s game over, man, from here on out yo, this shit is all hypothetical, OK), and that you happened to escape Gustave, right (yeah, right) by some freak stroke of insane good luck, right…well, the good news then becomes, yo, that your next African king, dude, is a wee little guy, man, and, relatively speaking, he’s virtually harmless, mang. I mean, like, he’s no Gustave, na’ mean, he’s a dwarf, man, rarely do he ever grow past five feet, man. And for crocs, man, that’s like mad little… But still, then again, that one chameleon yo, he did beat yo ass, right, remember, he put yo ass in the hospital, right, so, yeah, this dude’ll prob kill yo’ ass…right, right. But like, I mean, his head though, man, it’s like, all like, squished and tiny and little… I mean, I don’t know, man, na’ mean. I mean, it’d be an embarrassing defeat for you, fo sho, but like, a defeat is a defeat is a defeat is a defeat…

So, like, now, once again, you been relegated to bitch status, man. Goddamnit boy, what the fuck is you even thinking right now? Probably all confused and shit.

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Look at that head, boy, all squished and little and tiny and shit… man, he’s like a munchkin from a munchkin… all timbits and shit. Still kills yo’ ass.

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The Crowns of Crocodile, to the Thrones of Crocodylidae
West African Crocodile, (C. suchus)

Now, anyway, yo, moving on, right…

Closely related to, and often confused with, the Nile crocodile, this crocodile King here, the West African crocodile, is endemic to several sprawling regions that overlaps the native range of Nile crocodiles, OK, and most notably yo, this includes some of the most arid regions of all of Africa, such as Mauritania, and as well as Egypt, OK; and this is largely why the West African crocodile’s alternate common name, which is “desert crocodile,” has come to be. OK?

Now, as I say, this maufucker, the West African crocodile yo, is like, really, really often confused with the Nile crocodile, right, and although maybe I should probably say more on this, you know, to like better help explain you this, well, let’s just say instead and settle to say, that Gustave has ate him, and then move on to the next. Okay? Okay, let’s do that then…

Copenhagen_crocodile
Look at that shit, stole Gustave’s look and his swag and shit, that’s why Gustave killed his shit, na’ mean. Crocodiles don’t play, man. Pride IS EVERYTHING, maufucker. You can’t compete here. Aight? Be gone with yo’ bitch-ass. Be gone!

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The Crowns of Crocodile, to the Thrones of Crocodylidae
Slender-Snouted Crocodile, (C. cataphractus)

BOY, you know what, I’ve done gone soft on your ass, GODDAMNIT, I TOLD MYSELF I WOULDN’T LET MYSELF DO THAT, GODDAMNIT, GUSTAVE, GODDAMN YOU. No mas, no more, nada, no, from here on out, it’s back to bad cop, only.

You bitch, this king right here, this mauwfucker right here, is the final African King, and from hereon out, it’s nothing but the far, far east for you, and out there, shit, if you think Gustave is scary, damn well, you just fucking wait.

But first things first, bitch, final African King, the slender-snouted croc, as you might have guessed has a slender snout that, although you’re probably not bright enough reason, is as so as that it helps it to catch fish. Goddamnit!

Slender-Snouted_Crocodile

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The Crowns of Crocodile, of the Kingdom of Crocodylidae
Mugger Crocodile, (C. palustris)

Damnit, boy, now you in Asia (hypothetically, that is, Gustave did kill and eat you and this has not changed), and now you got the first king crocodile of Asia swimming right for you, the mighty, mighty mugger crocodile, Goddamnit! He’s an Indian motherfucker, Goddamnit! He’s medium-to-large sized, as far crocs go, but why do you think they call him a mugger? Fool! Damn king eats people, sometimes, at least, Goddamnit!

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The Crowns of Crocodile, of the Kingdom of Crocodylidae
Saltwater Crocodile, (C. porosus)

Crikey my ass, you dumb idiot! You ain’t Steve Irwin, Goddamnit, and now you twice fucking dead, I mean grave defilement status, Goddamnit! No, mauwfucker, Salties don’t live only in fucking Australia, they’re called Indo-Pacific crocs also, you know, and for good reason, they cover a whole fucking mass of a region, Goddamnit. Look at you now, getting consumed on a Vietnamese ocean beach, the fucking shame that that is.

Damnit, don’t you know, the saltwater crocodile is the largest crocodilian there is in existence? Hell, they the largest extant reptile, period. You think Gustave is big? Maybe he is, but his dubiously rumored size, is that of actual saltwater crocodile size in proven fact, yeah, and worse even yet, just as Niles, Saltwater crocs do like to eat people just as well. Yeah, you got fucked huge, son. Big fucking time. Fucked with the wrong fucking king that’s for fucking sure. Goddamnit. Pity yo ass.

Leaping Saltwater Crocodile

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The Crowns of Crocodile, of the Kingdom of Crocodylidae
Siamese Crocodile, (C. siamensis)

What’s that you say, boy? Sounded like a good question, say it again for me. Is the Siamese Crocodile an Asian crocodile king, you ask? Well, boy, let me tell you something, THAT’S THE DUMBEST FUCKING GODDAMN QUESTION YOUR STUPID ASS HAS EVER DARED TO ASK ME, GODDAMNIT. OF COURSE HE’S AN ASIAN KING! YOU HEAR SIAMESE AND THINK AFRICA? GODDAMNIT, I WISH HE’D EAT YOU JUST FOR ASKING. GODDAMNIT.

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The Crowns of Crocodile, of the Kingdom of Crocodylidae
Australian Freshwater Crocodile, (C. johnstoni)

YOU KNOW WHAT? ENOUGH ABOUT YOU! WE GONE TALK ABOUT THIS KING RIGHT HERE, AND NOT YOU, SO DEAL WITH IT.

Now, this king I got mad respect for, and really just because that he’s a king, but I had gotten a little upset a few months back from something I’d seen in the news I didn’t like… It was in huff post… photographs of an obviously fully grown olive python eating what was obviously a quite young and small freshwater croc… and it infuriated me… not to see the croc die, that’s nature, and nature happens… but the comment section… all these ignorant-ass die-hard snake fans acting like they just proved all their incorrect bullshit fantasies or whatever… so stupid and so ignorant. But whatever, I’m over it. Goddamnit!

But yeah, this is a small king. If you happen live in Australia, and happen as well to be either brave enough or, perhaps stupid enough to swim in crocodile infested waters there, this wouldn’t be the type of croc that you’d need to look out for.

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The Crowns of Crocodile, of the Kingdom of Crocodylidae
Philippine Crocodile, (C. mindorensis)

Another small crocodile king, and unfortunately for this hard fighting croc, he’s one of the most critically threatened species of crocodilian there is, endemic only to the nation of its namesake, as of 2011 only 250 specimens were known left living in the wild.

The government of the Philippines has responded aggressively to help save them from eventual extinction, as it now is considered a severely punishable crime to poach them; here’s to hoping those efforts prove worthwhile.

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The Crowns of Crocodile, of the Kingdom of Crocodylidae
New Guinea Crocodile, (C. jnovaeguineae)

Goddamnit, boy, this game is getting old, but I gots to finish what I started. New Guiunea Croc, what can I say? Kind of rare, a medium sized crocodile, and yes, were it not for Gustave and all the others you’ve seen (hypothetically at least) since Gustave, this one too would def kill your punk ass.

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The Crowns of Crocodile, of the Kingdom of Crocodylidae
False gharial, (T. schlegelii)

This one is false king. He’s a liar and a cheat. He’s a self-hating crocodile, the worst type of croc for certain. He may look like he’s something different, but don’t let his nose and snout fool you, he’s a croc through and through. And he’s a king, and as a King he has my love, as do all king’s, but no, he’s not honest he’s a liar. Facts are facts and I gots to keeps it real. No, he would not eat your punk ass, only the best kings do that and he’s not one of them.

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The Crown of Gharial, of the Kingdom of Gavialidae
Gharial, (G. gageticus)

Final kingdom final king, and yet inexplicably here you are trying to fight him. Good news for you though is that he’s a gentle and noble king, because he’s the ugliest king (says the anarchists), and years of verbal abuse has come at great influence on the ways in which he treats others; it’s like an ugly duckling syndrome but where the grown duck stays ugly, and he’s the most intellectually minded king too; very much inspired by the works of Plato and Aristotle, he’s philosophical by nature, and will carefully reason everything out and evaluate all things more than just twice in reaching his decision to not kill you.

He’s a fisheater, this is why he will not kill you. No, idiot, it’s not because he likes you, he hates you, but he’s a croc of reason and he’s got a rep to maintain, so congratulations asshole, you’ve survived all 24 kingdoms.

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